In my own way
by Muskoka Girl
Summary: I could never be with you, because of everything you are, and yet everything you are not In her own way, Christine loves both The Phantom and Raoul.


** In my own way**

**A/N:** Well this is my first ever POTO fan fiction, so please bear with me. This fic, well, I guess it could be seen as P/C (or E/C if you prefer), but I should like to think that it also has some R/C undertones, as I do ship both, and I can't stand Raoul bashing. This will be more closely centered on the musical, as I have only read the book once.

This is kind of strange, it's a challenge given to me by a friend, who said "Write non stop for as long as you can with Christine having a one sided mental conversation with the Phantom. So, I did. Also, for some strange reason I prefer referring to him as "The Phantom", rather than Erik. I guess it's because I've sort of grown up listening to my mom's OLC soundtrack, and in the musical he is never referred to as Erik.

Disclaimer: The Phantom of the Opera book was written by Gaston Leroux, and the ingenious and beautiful musical, is the property of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

* * *

I cling to Raoul as he paddles furiously, not speaking, or making a sound, his fear, and desire to leave almost palpable. I rest my chin on his shoulder, and breathe in his scent, a mixture of faint soap, the murky and pungent water that nearly swallowed him up, and a foreign scent entirely his own. Are we truly safe now? Will we finally be allowed to love one another, to share one love and lifetime, without having to pay a price for that love? I know in my heart that we are. For I know The Phantom, and I know at last he will leave us alone, for he has overcome his obsession with me, (I could feel it when we kissed),and what was once obsession has become true love, (I could see it in his eyes as he told us to leave him). He truly loves me now, and because of this love, he only wants me to be happy.

I lift my chin from Raoul's shoulder and tenderly kiss his neck. Then I slowly glance behind, and behold the rapidly shrinking figure, standing dejectedly on the beach. I cannot see his eyes now, but I can still feel the sadness within them, the sadness which I will carry with me till my dying day. I sigh, either from pity or despair, I am not quite sure.

"I foolishly thought of you as the angel of music, or the spirit of my father.Other peoplethought of you as a ghost, a monster, a "Phantom of the Opera."

I think to myself, directing unto him my thoughts, as if he could read my mind. If he did posses the extraordinary power of mental telepathy, I would not be surprised.

"You were not one of those things though. You were merely a man, no angel or monster, just a tortured, lonely man.Believe me now though, in my own way, I loved you. I loved you as much as I love Raoul. With you, I "lived as I've never lived before", was more alive then I have been since my father's death."

"I had shunned music since losing him, and you, you brought it back to me. Your voice and your compositions filled my heart with, that long lost feeling that music would bring to my soul as a child. Yet, you also filled me with powerful emotions, emotions to a degree which I had never before felt. Utter fear, complete joy, relentless loathing, heart warming love, deepest sorrow, perfect peace. I feared these emotions, more than I have ever feared anything."

"I feared them, because I did not understand why they were so strong, or where they came from. These equally powerful emotions were constantly vying to be expressed, all at once, twisting me in every which way. It frightened me to the core, and ultimately pulled me away from you, (no, contrary to what you may think, it was not your face that poisoned our love), because the emotions were born of you, and thus, so was the fear. Raoul put an end to that fear, Erik."

"Though you would be disgusted, I'm sure, to hear this, you and Raoul are really more alike than you may wish to believe, (yet, at the same time, polar opposites, if that is not too contradicting). Both of you have darkness within, yet also pure light. You are both passionate lovers, yet cold hearted killers. In each of you, some of those traits are stronger than in that of the other, but they are still very, very present."

"You still do not believe me? Let us use you as a model. I have seen how spiteful and how vile you can be, killing without so much as a thought. Yet, I have also seen your tenderness. How soft and loving you were with me that first time you held me in your arms, and sang into my ear, mesmerizing me with that dulcet voice. That mellifluous, and yet agonized voice, which sang notes of longing, fear, and all the sadness of the universe."

"Now to reverse the tables, to compare you, Erik, with my dear Raoul. The Vicomte is sweet, tender, loving, forgiving, and passionate. When he holds me in his arms, I am not conflicted by confusing and twisting emotions as I am when held by you. Yet, Raoul is not perfect by any means. If he wants to be, he can be as cold hearted as you can. I was only all too aware of this that afternoon at my father's grave. I could see in his eyes, countenance and body language; he would have killed you, right then and there, as you looked up at him from the flat of your back. Your crimson blood would have stained the pure white snow. Raoul can be just as much the Phantom, as you can be the Angel."

"That is why I love you both in my own way. For your good traits, and even your bad, each of these, even though some despicable and un-desirous, add to what make you who you are, what makes you the very men that have both captured and divided my heart."

"However in the end, dearest, I choose Raoul over you. I could never be with you, because of everything you are, and yet everything you are not. The world is not ready to understand you. Just as I cannot even begin to pretend that I truly understand either. I may be able to see the tip of the iceberg, but there is still so much below the surface. With Raoul, I see all, I can see the fury, and the joy; I can see the madness, the tenderness, and the love. That stability is what I truly need in the end, because if I stayed with you, I would go mad as well. Neither of us needs that, you need one stronger than I."

"I will never see you again, but know this. You, will always, always hold power over half my heart, and make my song take flight."

"Goodbye my darling, now we are truly past the point of no return."

A/N: Yes, that was incredibly cheesy, messed up, and out of character. Plus, I have a cold now as I am writing this, so that could be one of the reasons why it makes so little sense, but it's mainly because I am a terrible writer. Well, I hope you at least got a little enjoyment, laughing at how bad this was. Take care, folks, till next time!


End file.
